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close your eyes and I'll be there

she said shut your eyes and I will be there...
Well I did, for once i did, I did believe her.. I thought she really would. A dream would come true.

I found myself driving, suddenly driving to an unknown place. And I stopped as if I knew
where I had to go. It was music world. Did I need music? Do I even have the money?
i pushed the glass door and suddenly someone said, HI! It's there, I ordered it for you
I smiled back and what I wanted to say was, "hey who the hell are you" But no i said.. "What a darling you are" Okay I hope you have only one of these" He smiled back and said.. "Ofcourse, I followed your command!"

Okay I was getting a headache.. there was someone in this store who knew me..
have I been visiting this place so much? Why ? Do i even listen to this music? where?
I dont even have a CD player in my room..


Oh GOD! I was like rushing through to get somewhere. Come now where the hell am I going!
I dont understand. I reached a deadend... and honked for someone. What! am i meeting someone?

Well G! you said you would be here.. why am I somewhere where I dont seem to know anyone?
Who lives here? do you live here? Have you suddenly moved here? Are you giving a surprise??

someone opens the door.. I am really scared, who the hell is this.. I dont know you...
I stare back, staring I dont believe this.. I want to open my eyes.. I am trying hard... He is mad at me and I dont know why? Why is he screaming at me.. why is there so much silence all of a sudden.

She says it again, "Close your eyes and you will find me"

I tell her, "yes the last time I did that I closed my eyes to myself.. to me.. and I did not even find you there."
This time i want them open, I want to stare back and ask "Who the hell are you?" What the hell do you want?"

Being otherWISE..

It was a really busy in the bus today. she thought it would be a treat to find a place next to the window. She was looking forward to enjoying the breeze while traveling back home. It was strange, it all depended on whether you caught the 6pm bus or the one just after, that would arrive at 10 minutes past. Finally the old lady got up and it felt like someone had wished her luck. She flipped open her book to a story called "A Man too clever and a half". She thought, thanks to those who think Men can be clever.. " she thought of all those men at work who were driving her up the wall with their ridiculous remarks or queries. Men with years of experience but truly lazy. Lost in words she picked up the book again. She read the title again and thought of the endless list of men that her mom would hope she would meet. As if it were that easy to find someone who would appreciate the smell of corriander. The phone rang aloud. It was work, she held the book and answered it. As she gave instructions over the phone, she looked at the first page of the book. The man on the other end of the phone kept asking "which key to press now ?", but Sanyukta wondered why someone would have written their email address on the fist page. She had seen dates, names, initials, address. But.. an email address. It didnt sound like that of the book shop urgin the customer to sign up for a newsletter or something. It was a bit strange. She had completely lost track of the fact that there was someone on the other side of the phone. The phone rang again. She picked it up and said, "Sorry, I think there was connection error.." and the phone got cut again.

Quoted from the book "Wise or otherwise" - Sudha Murty" Right from the its inception, the foundation focussed on redressing the greviences of village people, especially children, so that we could help them envision a bright and prosperous future comparable to that of their urban counterparts.

Yeah, she thought, "Urban counterparts with a rural mentality should we say", a she got off the bus. She was walking back home thinking what is lying in the fridge and the fate of fresh coriander as she pulls them out for the curry tonight. As she unlocked the door her neighbour Mrs Nair called out, "Sanyukta... your letter" She knew it had to be from her mum. She was wondering if they ever going end. She wondered if that was the only thing she should look forward to when she thinks of letters. Mrs Nair looked at her curiously for a reaction. she was hoping Sanyukta would get shy, but instead She was pretty embarrassed. This time it looked different. It was an international stamp. OH! it was her didi from USA, these must be pictures of the baby. After months she was excited to recieve letters, she hurried inside with warm smile, threw her sandles as she closed the door behind her. With the tea boiling and the mint leaves filling the room with a fresh fragrance, she opened the letter.

Dear Sanyu,
I hope I took by surprise. I know i have sent a million pictures of her already but I thought it would be different to send some prints. Besides, I have suddenly realised that I need to find things that I can do while i rest in bed looking after the baby. We are still fighting over the name but I have mentally decided to call her Sanjh....

Sanyukta felt a unknown sense of satisfaction as she read this letter. It was'nt as if she would not get emails from her but letters seemed to have it own smell and taste. She read the letter a couple of times and decided to reply to it with another one soon after dinner. She opened her laptop and looked through the emails. There was one from her friend in Pune and a couple of forwards. She skimmed through the pending 43 that she needed to reply but the compose button reminded her of the email on the book. She thought would be strange to write to this person, felt as childish. Felt as if they were 12 and calling up random numbers off the phone book and ordering a pizza. But what the hell she thought, It's okay to randomize once in a while and it had been more than 14 years she did that so it was high time she did that.
She finally hit compose and typed the email address, she wrote:

Subject: Being Otherwise
I was reading "Wise or otherwise" and I didnot think twice before i took the discussion to write to you. (Something I would have never done otherwise:) ) some of the pages are too emotionally drilling but some others can get you thinking for days.. what did you enjoy the most?
SanyuktaP.S. : I did think twice before I should write. But it had been a while since I did something ridiculous. But you do seem to be a man too clever.

She hit send and attended to some other emails. Popped another mail in her inbox,

RE: being otherwise..
Am glad that you chose to be otherwise. I think it was a wise decision to have sold off that book after all...

and she shrugged away those dews...

my thoughts so crimson , you ask me to leave this barren land.
"Am i crystal ?," She asks ,
"u think it's worse?"
- smiles back to say, "no luv, A water lily"

She is a water lily, just woken up, her long black locks adorn her back and the sweat on her neck made her feel the winds blowing from the window. She was wondering what that dream was all about and just as she is about to get up from the bed...

And he just softly caress the water lily and can see mist still alive on round edged surface of hers eyes. Wearing away sign is very much perceptible but he assures her with pluck visible in his eyes,

we would see it off, he kisses, and says, "Storms won't touch you as fury of it would be borne by us together, tightly clung to each other to see ravages off and await the rosy future. You smile like those angels as if lost in a trance and gently nudge an equally lost me and then?? And then ... the pink is back on your cheeks, I let you bloom again in your citadel, all is yours I murmur wistfully, like eternal romantics I know you do god and forget . Expectations have to wither away. Don't let them bloom. You are a water lily, those fickle ones who change when they get moisture. Lily! dole it out to your loved ones and I beat hasty retreat. While I beat those much dreaded lonely retreats, I yearn for your voice trailing off my back, asking me to come back and let you be mine. O heart, thou wishful thinking seldom sees any rational… "

She is reluctant, she says love that is so deep cannot be true - it wont last. He shuts her eyes and asks her to breathe him. See this is what freedom smells like. He hold her hands - This is what a life togather feels like...

And the water lily surrenders to thee for who but u know how to pamper it , will wait for tides to take de toll n breathe thru wid arms that can hold tight and a heart that listens with patience so pure that every storm feels like a fairy tale.

Lotus Colony

I drive around looking for Lotus Colony, something I was told existed well I thought it was just another one of those, yeah beautiful Shanghari La … but then I believe that person., must be a lotus eater I gift myself a smile and rumble.

That's where I found my true self. He says let me show you this city to you. I laugh, "Are you serious! You are going to show me my city?"
"... Somewhere I have lived for 25 years?" He gently nudges me and tells “You know this hydra headed city of yours, you know all problem lurking at you like monsters and so this too much familiarity makes you blind to angels that this city does nurture, I am here to help you caress those angels, meet them. This act of mine would take the air out of your pride , this familiarity balloon of yours , still you would love as it would make you shine like morning sun”

He whispers to me, "Yes, Let's start from the longest road - shall we?" - I enjoy the mischievous glint in his eyes, and I am ready to be fooled I hear myself telling. “Think as if this LA or New York, and you don’t know how the air smells here, just see how whiff of fresh air flushes you”. So I close my eyes and open them again.

Look we have reached the "red lightS" Yes I am scared, I cling to his arms and end up muttering “we have reached the prohibited end ! - Should we go back now?”
He gives me a gentle dressing down, meant for those whose chirpy voice you adore and I gauge it and give him a fleeting smile. “Shut up, that’s the beginning stupid; we have stopped because I want to show you something on the left. That is Lotus Colony.” He says – “And what is it? Does someone really popular stay here? Doesn’t look like it, this looks such a forlorn place, why those filthy riches would shower their love here? Oh come on tell me, what makes it adored by you? Are you showing me this because some murder or robbery case happened here, a hint of crime is all I can smell here? I am curious, I am damn sure there has been a long tale surreptitiously staring at us. And he says, "NO" But This is Lotus Colony.
I wonder, i can still not figure it out. Why is this place so important? - He says it will be one day. Now that you have seen it, it will be. And he smiles as if he is sharing his treasure with me. It must be something very endearing to him and makes me happy to share few hearty secrets. Hahaha guess I have been invited to be a partner in crime , I bemuse.

I am still persistent; stubbornness is the glue which sticks me to him. “Let me know please, is this where you grew up, looks like a really old place?" He keeps a mum. We are like 10kms away now and the next thing I hear an unrestrained woman screaming and shouting at top of her voice as if she had just discovered some well treasured bounty, yeah woman happened to be me while he enjoyed driving over the flip flop road blocks - The car rocked, I could feel the floor rattle, i was so scared. - HE said, "sush! - get used to rash, Get used to accidents, restrain makes it so waning , just throw caution to winds have faith in me and soar in this blue sky like an eagle"

Accidents - What were you, An accident I suppose.

4th October | some random celebration | Invitation to couple for the first time
I was thrilled for the first time in years someone has invited me because I was to be Mrs........., (The only time I sat this name was on the divorce papers, and the only time I heard someone call it out to me was the Judge) - "So Mrs. Bhattacharya, would you be able to support yourself if husband doesn’t pay for you after the divorce?"

It was an easy "Yes" - easier than saying yes for 2 sugars in your coffee. But I was shivering with pain, anger, guilt, shame... would you have liked to see me like that? - Would you have been proud of me because all that mattered was that I was asking for what I wanted? Bending down to virtues of desires was not wrong and should I feel guilty for that? May be it was speedy but still not worth a ticket thrown in your face as you are held guilty for going too, fast too rash"

Life becomes busy, so busy that we forget if there is enough milk in the fridge for tomorrow’s morning tea. And there Shea plays with the photos on my desk. She arranges them as a jigsaw puzzle. Often the wrong order. And I smile as she takes my life and places them like playing blocks. Is it life nothing but a set of blocks you could play with? Can't I arrange blue with orange and if some day I don’t like the color, Can I not change it to red? -
Shea says, "Whozse thish?" - I say "Shea's best friend"
Really? - For Shea, Really means that Tom and Jerry will not come and eat her cheese.
I smile and say, "Really". Really has this ring of security even little Shea understands, really makes you feel cozy and a faint smile escapes my lips.
Where is my best friend?
I Say, "Lotus Colony"

And the Giant took the toll!

Walls, about 40 or 50 years old walls. Unending, tall as a child I remember thinking of it as a giant. This is what i would associate to as "The Giant" who would come and eat me. Then one night i thought if he would eat me up then where would i go after that. Would i be a brick? or would I become a really tiny part between the bricks.

Years passed by,…

I was dressed as if to embrace that pall of gloom in my arms, and haughtily remembered the old saying "only an irredeemable person sans principle can be complaisant towards grief" but then I won't shed tear, I won't waste the rest of years simmering in the maggot broth of memory, I won't bury myself alive inside these four walls to sew my shroud. No! this is not a gratuitous description and I don't want it to sound like one.

Burning desires cannot be cooled away, suppressing them like an autocrat does not do me any good. I would give no quarter to the ravages of time, let it come and try to storm me as it had done to so many mortals, but heroic determination of mine refuses to budge.

A giant can't be termed a dwarf, time can test me but then let it be disappointed if it feels it can bend them all, not all do fall like nine pins. It stood there glaring in my eye. I tried to stare back at it, barely about to squeak back at it. I geared up all the courage that I had to merely stand there and withstand it size. And it stood there, unchanged, standing on the edge of unnerving time. Devastating downpour of emotions wrecks the most steadied ships, and they crumple under the onslaught of fury and gaze which unnerves them. Even the best protected corners of imagination are blown away by mad winds of desire. The much treasured bounty had just been pinched away, I felt the pinch , tried to shout but all that was visible… was DESIRE, a mirage for delusioned ones.

There was a slight grin on my face. Still trying to avoid a contorted face. Once again I stood at the wall, it was grey, rough, the brick looked warning out to me. And it looks like a typical Mumbai chawl now. And before I knew I was walking on marine lines. It was june, the skies were dark at 4pm, the rain was just about to hit my face, I was getting drenched in emotions, rain, tears, fear BUT this life can not be a damp squib. There's a murmur, I guess it's my own breath. Let them try to squeeze me , press me against blurring memories , I feel overjoyed. I hate to be part of this conspiracy. There's wet sand between eye-lids, it feels like reality being pierced through, poking you just to check if you are alive. No i hate to be brick of a shrinking wall. Individuality thy have lost my dear brick ....

Co written by Ruchir Mishra and Anar

i live three lives at the same time.. in my head, in my heart and one through my hands. It;s true the other day i was at south bank in my head, while i was talking to Rave in my heart and i was writing an email to some applicant who had written in broken English about his experiences as a script writer.

My shadow is talking to me as i walk past the milkman, "someone on the opposite street thinks you are very sad today". At times i feel there is just me who is actually living and all others are merely puppets of my fiction. And while i struggle to sketch reality with a charcoal, let me introduce you to some people i have met.. i luv ... some i tried to hate and some i just know....

Names ? - i'll try and recollect.. or else will just identify them wid graphics

a really bright blot of red paint...
"its okay" - atleast you where know the path you follow. Get up, look at that star.. look its smiling at you. It's jealous. It thinks you have a better twinkle in your eye".
"hah!" i say, "only you think so" with despair.
He smiles, holds my hand and says- "oh ho.. if only I knew it......., then why would the stars be so jealous? -
I completely reject this stirring thought, "they are there only because you show them to me".

He is so amused. He knows i can see everything he is talking about, "hmmm well if thats the case should we ask this man sitting next to us if he can see them?

i reject it, "he is not there either.. there is noone there. its just us.. where is the bus stop. where we sit is a dark room with no light. We dont deserve the light, It's only for those who manage to fool others and move on".

melting metals - partially visible jupiter
You walk past giving me just enough time to realise that you are the one.
Just enough time to remember what is it that you look like from back. it's merely a silhouette through the green grass and you were gone. The next time i remember i got up from half conciousness to realise i had to taken too many pills and i was crying too much to know what i was doing... you tried to keep me awake but i refused.. dint realise i was taking my best dream away from myself and next day i would sleep longer than i need...

a bright blue pot of ink
One the other side of the phone, she argues, i fight back, "no i prefer the sparkling blue, but ill buy the rough browns for you." OH and whatever.. what are we going to have for dinner?"

She fights back, "dont be silly, its always the same, why are u asking stupid questions?"

I prefer to be the pathetically excited child in me, "Well i am happy.. I want to do something different today. I have to tell you about this conversation that i had with this person i met today. You just have to know it.. oh you should have been there right." What i would have enjoyed would have been those stares eh would have got back. HA! - he would have run away. Good you were not there!"

Are you there? - did you hear that.... (constant silence on the other side. I hold on to the receiver for like 5 mins hoping ill hear something back and then finally put it down. )

A drop of sunshine
pink nails.. she's got pink nails! - bright blue pot exclaimed! - "Hmmm" i said...
I watch her smile, she's watching tv. that's my drop of sunshine! - She gets me worked up completely when the table is left with crumbs of bread from morning. I hate seeing ants all over when i get back. I have told her several times. But i guess she enjoys watching me clean. She knows i tend to relax when i clean the mess around.

And look at this, I found her anklet in between the cushions of the sofa... Wow! should i scream Eureka! - I have finally found your blue pair, "but what's the use", she'll say. I wore the dress on saturday. That's when i had needed it the most.
"Mom no point cleaning when you cant find things when they are needed the most" - she screams from the kitchen
I hear a glass breaking, a sudden shriek. Woofus dashes through the door as if he can make everything okay. He tries to lick her face and she pushes him back. I laugh! - "Poor dog has seen you throwing cereals to him and cant imagine that he can't play with you any more"